Lonely For Her
by Go Radio
Summary: I would give up being the heir to the Black family fortune.  I would risk being disowned.  I would taint my pureblood with her muggle blood.  I would throw everything away.  Only for her.  A-Z lyric challenge.


_I'm uneasy, and I'm weak in the knees_  
><em>And I'm trying not to breathe<em>  
><em> Not believing, not believing you're gone<em>  
><em> And that I was the one to let you<em>

_Lonely For Her- Jack's Mannequin _

I ran a hand through my hair, uneasiness settling in my stomach. What had I just done? I paced back and forth in my childhood bedroom. Mother and Father were long dead. Good riddance. They were the ones who had convinced me the dark side was the correct side. They were the ones who groomed me to be the poster child of purebloods. I shook my head. The only one to blame was myself. As I said before, my parents were deceased, so I had inherited Grimmauld Place_. __The most ancient and noble house of Black_. Never have I been more ashamed to be a Black.

I stared at the news clippings I had so carefully stuck on my wall in my youth. There had been a point in time when I had been obsessed with the Dark Lord. Looking at what had been my childhood dreams made me sick. Why hadn't I seen how cruel and sick he was? Sirius had seen it. He had gotten away while he could, leaving me to fend for myself. I had given into their thoughts and beliefs. I idolized the deeds they had done; I was convinced they were making the world a better place. How wrong I was.

I walked out of my bedroom and into Sirius'. My mouth twitched into a ghost of a smile. I remember when my brother's room had disgusted me. Now all I could do was laugh at the bold, Gryffindor colors that adorned the room. Honestly, his room was the only bright spot in this house. I noticed a letter sitting on his desk. Curiosity got the best of me and I opened it. My breath caught in my throat as I recognized the loopy cursive. _She_ wrote this letter.

_Dear Padfoot,_

_Thank you, thank you, for Harry's birthday present! It was his favorite by far. One year old and already'__** '**__zooming along on a toy broomstick, he looked so pleased with himself, I'm enclosing a picture so you can see. You know it only rises about two feet off the ground, but he nearly killed the cat and he smashed a horrible vase Petunia sent me for Christmas (no complaints there). Of course, James thought it was funny, says he's going to be a great Quidditch player, but we've had to pack away all the ornaments and make sure we don't take our eyes off him when he gets going._

I stopped reading, folded the letter neatly and placed it back on the desk. I sat on my brother's bed and put my head between my legs. I took deep breaths, trying to calm myself. Why the hell was this affecting me in such a dramatic way? I had convinced myself that she was nothing more than a fling.

"_Regulus!" She laughed and tried to grab her quill that I had taken hostage. We had been studying in the library. There was so many things wrong with this picture right now, it wasn't even funny. Well actually, it _was_ funny. Here was the Gryffindor Goddess, Lily Evans, and I, Regulus Black, the Slytherin Prince (I would say Slytherin God, but Lucius is the Slytherin God. By God, I mean he is the Slytherin _sex_ God. But that is a whole other story to tell) attempting to study Ancient Runes, but instead we are goofing off, _flirting_ with each other. I, the respectable pureblood; her, the "dirty" muggleborn. I can understand why James Potter was so infatuated with her. Lily was something else. A good kind of something else. The way her red hair shined in the sunlight and how her eyes crinkled up in the corners while she laughed._

"_Give me it!" She tried to reach the quill, but I held it above her head, keeping it out of her reach._

"_Nah…" I smirked at her. I'm not entirely sure how we became friends. I guess we became close when I had asked to borrow her Ancient Runes notes. I had skipped a year in that class because I was just _that_ good. Also because I had Snape's old tests and papers to copy and study off of last year. So I had skipped sixth year Runes and had gone straight to seventh year._

"_I won't finish this essay and then I will fail. Do you want to live with that guilt?" Her pretty mouth turned into a pout. I studied her face carefully. She was the only person I would give it all up for. I would give up being the heir to the Black family fortune. I would risk being disowned. I would taint my pureblood with her muggle blood. I would throw everything away. Only for her. No one else. _

_What I did next was complete impulse. I didn't think it through. I didn't think about the consequences. I only thought about what I wanted._

_I leaned over and claimed her lips with my own. The kiss was ended much to quickly as she pulled away, gasping. No words were said, she just looked at me. Needless to say, her response was not disappointing. She retaliated by kissing me once again, and not once did the thought of someone seeing us enter my mind. I didn't care. I only cared about how her lips felt against mine and how her tongue tasted in my mouth. It just felt so right. Much too soon, the kiss ended. We broke apart and just stared at each, a small smile present on each of our faces. If I ever told Snape about this, he would shit himself with jealousy._

"_Lily flower?" I cringed at that voice. _His_ voice. The gaze of her emerald eyes broke away from the stare of my gray ones. She looked at him, forcing a bigger smile. I could tell it was fake._

"_Yes, James?" She asked innocently. As if what had just taken place had not happened. I turned and saw James Potter standing there, looking at the both of us. Had he seen us kiss? No. He would have been in the process of murdering me if had seen that. He was so protective of Lily, yet he wasn't even _dating_ her. Wait. Usually, Lily would be freaking out if James Potter was even within a ten foot radius of her, let alone talking to her and calling her _Lily flower_._

"_What are you doing with…_him_?" James asked, waving his hand towards me. What, am I not good enough to for a name? I scoffed._

"_I have a name you know, and we were studying," I answered for Lily. I motioned to the open text books and scraps of parchments scattered in front of us. It looked as if we had been studying, right?_

"_Well stay away from my girlfriend," James said menacingly to me. He said something else, but I stopped listening after I heard the word _girlfriend_. The word echoed in my head, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth._

"_Don't tell me who I can and cannot associate with, James," Lily scolded him. I looked at her, pulling the classic Slytherin face. The face where you can't read any emotion at all. She had kissed me, even though she was in a relationship with Potter! What the bloody hell?_

"_Goodbye, Evans." I said coldly, gathering my things. I shoved them in my bag and swiftly left the library. I have to go find Avery and Rosier. Maybe I will take them up on that offer.._

Little had I know that would be the last time I talked to Lily Evans. Well, later she had tried to talk to me, but I wouldn't hear it. I'll admit it; I was hurt. I had been tricked, used, manipulated, and _played_ by Lily Evans. I had felt the same emotions that one of Sirius' ex-girlfriends had felt after he had dumped her. Wow. That took a lot of pride to admit; at some point in my life, I could relate to one of the many whores my brother had dated.

I thought I would never forgive her. Actually, I hadn't forgiven her until a few hours ago when I helped sell her out to the Dark Lord. Before, I had just put the memories of her, of _us_, into the back of my mind, and ignored them for as long as I could. However, tonight, I realized how much she had affected my life. She had hurt me emotionally, which had compelled me to actually become a Death Eater. Then, I never opened up to anybody. I kept all my emotions to myself. I never let anyone into my little world of Regulus. Which in turn, actually helped me see how evil Voldemort really is. I never opened up to anyone. I was content with being alone; because honestly, no one could ever compare to Lily Evans. She was the girl I loved.

There I just said it. I love Lily Evans. If James was here, he would kick my arse. Ha.

Only I would help kill the woman I love. No, I wouldn't be the one pointing the wand and saying _Avada Kedavra. _Instead, I had helped torture Pettigrew. I was the one who had convinced Sirius to make Peter the secret keeper. Being a legilimens makes being a Death Eater much easier. I had gotten into Sirius' head and some how got him to believe Peter would be a better secret keeper. It's not something I'm proud of.

So technically, I am the reason Lily will die tonight. It would be all my fault. No one else to blame but myself. I could of stopped it. I could of convinced the Dark Lord that he should spare her (He has more respect for me than he does for Snape. He would take my request into actual consideration). Instead, I did nothing but help Voldemort find out where Lily was. Where Lily was…she was with her husband and her son. I'll be honest, I could care less if James dies. That is an awful thing to say, right? But I know he would think the exact same about me. As for her son? I don't have feelings about it. Yes, it is the child of Lily, which makes him special, but also, he is the spawn of James Potter, which spoils it.

I can't let her die. I have to do something! But what….what can I do? The Dark Lord cannot die like a regular wizard. He has a secret weapon. He has a _horcrux_.

"Kreacher!" I summoned my house elf. I never understood why Sirius hated him so much. Kreacher was probably the most reliable, loyal person I know. He would make a great Hufflepuff.

"Yes, Master Black?" He croaked, looking at me. It'll be a sad day when he dies. I'll miss the little bugger.

"I need you to take me where the Dark Lord took you before. The cave," I requested. Fear filled his eyes.

"Are you sure, Master? It is very dangerous," Kreacher tried to convince me not to go.

"I've never been so sure in my life. Kreacher, listen carefully. You need to let me drink that potion. Do not drink it, that is an order. If I die, don't try to save me. If I do die, come back and destroy the locket. Understand?" I stated my instructions clearly. At first, the little elf tried to protest, but I convinced him. Maybe if the horcrux is destroyed, then Voldemort will die, and Lily will be saved. It was just a pipedream, but it was all I had. I scribbled a quick note to the Dark Lord. I was tempted to put "_bite me, bitch_" at the end, but I decided against

I couldn't let her go, knowing I was the one who helped her get killed. Kreacher apparated us to the cave. The smell of saltwater and seaweed filled my nose. I know that most likely, Lily, James, her son, and I would all die tonight. If Lily and I both die tonight, at least I will have died trying to save her. That should count for something, right?

They say when you go heaven you meet up with the one you love, but what if they are with the one they love?


End file.
